I Wake Up Each Morning Afraid I'm Gonna Live
I get so consumed by depression that It's hard to believe that the whole world doesn't stop and suffer with me.
I sleep to die. I've gotten my death day, I let go, don't reach for me, I've gone to my lover, the darkness loves me.
The cold wind sings a poem in my face, the world disappears behind me and I stop breathing. The water fill up the sound.
My surroundings are growing, but I stay small. In despair, I hate myself, screaming at my face in the mirror, only numbness in my tired body.
The pain is so fucking big that I feel nothing at all. You fear the bottom, you say and I lean in and say, I do not fear it, I know the bottom.
No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky. Every face is disguised, painted with sun flowers. Mine left burn marks.
I hide and bleed, hide and bleed. Watch my broken body. I'm already dead and now I shall clutter my veins - the blood will dry.
I want out of my skin, this pain is eating it's way up to the surface. Please, I wish I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me into ribbons so I can finally look like I feel.
I'm out of my mind with a pain that cuts like a corkscrew through my heart.
I stay still, my limbs cannot move, I cannot make a sound. I'm suffocating, I'm buried naked in hot summer sand, burning to death.
I lie in bed, drenched in sweat, this night is even darker, how is that possible?
I'm wishing I could just die here, I want my corpse to be white like these sheets, whiter than these blankets. I want to be drained of my blood.
My dear, let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late. Don't try to fool me, you're handing me in. I'm tired, I cannot convince you.
You cry, cry for everyone else's pain but not for me, CRY FOR ME! CRY FOR ME!
I'm cold and dead, my winter has never left. All the years, everyone said the light would shine one day but all these years I've just been drowning.
I'm sorry, I've fallen too deep under the cold waves, you won't find me in the dark. We play hide and seek, I hide and you seek.
I dream of walls caving in, I'm caught in a trap and so desperate to get away that I bite off my own leg, but instead of escaping - I bleed to death in the snow.
The ground is red, the ground is white, the sky is blue, and when I wake up the pain does not go away.
I sleep to die. I've gotten my death day, I let go, don't reach for me, I've gone to my lover, the darkness loves me.
The cold wind sings a poem in my face, the world disappears behind me and I stop breathing. The water fill up the sound.
My surroundings are growing, but I stay small. In despair, I hate myself, screaming at my face in the mirror, only numbness in my tired body.
The pain is so fucking big that I feel nothing at all. You fear the bottom, you say and I lean in and say, I do not fear it, I know the bottom.
No one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky. Every face is disguised, painted with sun flowers. Mine left burn marks.
I hide and bleed, hide and bleed. Watch my broken body. I'm already dead and now I shall clutter my veins - the blood will dry.
I want out of my skin, this pain is eating it's way up to the surface. Please, I wish I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me into ribbons so I can finally look like I feel.
I'm out of my mind with a pain that cuts like a corkscrew through my heart.
I stay still, my limbs cannot move, I cannot make a sound. I'm suffocating, I'm buried naked in hot summer sand, burning to death.
I lie in bed, drenched in sweat, this night is even darker, how is that possible?
I'm wishing I could just die here, I want my corpse to be white like these sheets, whiter than these blankets. I want to be drained of my blood.
My dear, let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late. Don't try to fool me, you're handing me in. I'm tired, I cannot convince you.
You cry, cry for everyone else's pain but not for me, CRY FOR ME! CRY FOR ME!
I'm cold and dead, my winter has never left. All the years, everyone said the light would shine one day but all these years I've just been drowning.
I'm sorry, I've fallen too deep under the cold waves, you won't find me in the dark. We play hide and seek, I hide and you seek.
I dream of walls caving in, I'm caught in a trap and so desperate to get away that I bite off my own leg, but instead of escaping - I bleed to death in the snow.
The ground is red, the ground is white, the sky is blue, and when I wake up the pain does not go away.
I Hate Myself And I Want To Die - 30/11/07
I'm so cold. I'm empty. I need to hurt myself to feel. I need to feel. No it hurts too much. Every shadow is lingering, lurking to feed on my corpse. The sun has frozen to death. I'm just cold. You need to die, I need to drain every part of your very being. Your soul need to be taken by the night. Because I hate you for not knowing. Not knowing that I am dead. My emotional being and my very soul has been replaced with the most excruciating pain - a pair of boiling hot tongs clamped tight around my spine pressing on my every nerve. I'm covered in thick darkness, coats and coats of darkness that is suffocating me in the sweltering heat of the summer sun. I can't see the sun, but I can feel it burn
Nightmares And Smothered Screams - 23/10/07
Once upon a time on a sunny day, right after a rainy season in the middle of the summer, night found day.
The little girl was drinking tea with the white rabbit under the green umbrella trees.
- Milk and cookies my dear? the white little rabbit said. Before she could answer, the moon raped her and left her bleeding. The clouds were smothering the sun.
- Sugar, give me a knife and I'll cut my eyes out for they are pretty tired, the little girl said. The white rabbit gave her a kitchen knife. Her eyes now bleeding, blind she laughed. Her blue eyes now gone, but tears still ran down her porcelain cheeks.
- Now sugar, give me some liquor and my tears will run no more, I'll take my panties off and we can have some fun. The white rabbit gave her a dusty old bottle of vodka. She swallowed the burning liquid and smiled.
- Now let's have some fun
The white rabbit obeyed. He once kissed her lily white hand, twice he kissed her cheek, three times he kissed her cold corpsy lips and finally he thrust hard inside her until he fell asleep. The night passed away, the day came on and in the morning light, the little rabbit saw that the little girl had stopped breathing, stains of ruby red blood between her thighs. The white rabbit cried. But suddenly, she whispered cold
- Sugar, give me your garden trowel and I'll dig my own grave.
The white rabbit ran to his little house and got his dirty trowel.
Pale and shaky, the white little girl smiled and said
- Isn't this wonderful ?
When the six feet deep grave was ready she kissed the white rabbit on the cheek and just as she was about to lay down her tired little body, Sweet William came out of the shadows. He kissed her dry lips and then looked at her, the big blue eyes were gone, she was shaking like an autumn leaf. Naked and covered in mud.
- My dear, you are repulsive, he said and put his hand between her legs. She was still bleeding.
- I used to want you on top of me
Her lip was trembling.
The little girl's father was sitting on a garden bench, reading the newspaper and saying
- I love you, Darlin'.
He then was gone.
The little girl then knelt before Sweet William, pleading for her death. He stabbed her to the heart and her heart blood did flow. And into the grave the little girl did go.
Once he kissed her lily white hand, twice he kissed her cheek, three times he kissed her cold corpsy lips and started for home. Leaving nothing behind but the white rabbit and the wild birds to moan. The white rabbit heard the little girl whisper
- Sugar, give me some matches. I'm cold, she said to the white rabbit.
The white rabbit obeyed.
- I need to get warm. I need to get warm, she said. She lit one of the matches and set herself on fire.
- I'll find my place among the ashes, she whispered her last breath.
The white rabbit stood still, then he took his handkerchief and gently washed the blood of his hands and once again drank tea in the garden under the green umbrella trees.
The little girl was drinking tea with the white rabbit under the green umbrella trees.
- Milk and cookies my dear? the white little rabbit said. Before she could answer, the moon raped her and left her bleeding. The clouds were smothering the sun.
- Sugar, give me a knife and I'll cut my eyes out for they are pretty tired, the little girl said. The white rabbit gave her a kitchen knife. Her eyes now bleeding, blind she laughed. Her blue eyes now gone, but tears still ran down her porcelain cheeks.
- Now sugar, give me some liquor and my tears will run no more, I'll take my panties off and we can have some fun. The white rabbit gave her a dusty old bottle of vodka. She swallowed the burning liquid and smiled.
- Now let's have some fun
The white rabbit obeyed. He once kissed her lily white hand, twice he kissed her cheek, three times he kissed her cold corpsy lips and finally he thrust hard inside her until he fell asleep. The night passed away, the day came on and in the morning light, the little rabbit saw that the little girl had stopped breathing, stains of ruby red blood between her thighs. The white rabbit cried. But suddenly, she whispered cold
- Sugar, give me your garden trowel and I'll dig my own grave.
The white rabbit ran to his little house and got his dirty trowel.
Pale and shaky, the white little girl smiled and said
- Isn't this wonderful ?
When the six feet deep grave was ready she kissed the white rabbit on the cheek and just as she was about to lay down her tired little body, Sweet William came out of the shadows. He kissed her dry lips and then looked at her, the big blue eyes were gone, she was shaking like an autumn leaf. Naked and covered in mud.
- My dear, you are repulsive, he said and put his hand between her legs. She was still bleeding.
- I used to want you on top of me
Her lip was trembling.
The little girl's father was sitting on a garden bench, reading the newspaper and saying
- I love you, Darlin'.
He then was gone.
The little girl then knelt before Sweet William, pleading for her death. He stabbed her to the heart and her heart blood did flow. And into the grave the little girl did go.
Once he kissed her lily white hand, twice he kissed her cheek, three times he kissed her cold corpsy lips and started for home. Leaving nothing behind but the white rabbit and the wild birds to moan. The white rabbit heard the little girl whisper
- Sugar, give me some matches. I'm cold, she said to the white rabbit.
The white rabbit obeyed.
- I need to get warm. I need to get warm, she said. She lit one of the matches and set herself on fire.
- I'll find my place among the ashes, she whispered her last breath.
The white rabbit stood still, then he took his handkerchief and gently washed the blood of his hands and once again drank tea in the garden under the green umbrella trees.
